Self-Discoveries

I had one of "those" performances last night. It is the end of the semester, my body, my mind, my everything is exhausted. I gave myself a warm up and worried endlessly about the strained muscle in my leg. I thought that last night was going to be a terrible performance by me. I gave everything I had anyways.

A friend of mine is graduating and for the first time in my career at Wichita State, I was given a solo. Politics rule everything and solos are saved for the same people....over and over. I was finally given my chance to shine. There are those performers that are flawless. Everytime you watch them dance it is a pleasure because they move with such ease. They are given solos and leads because you never worry about their ability to pull it off. They are safe. I am a different kind of dancer and performer. From the day that I started at WSU, I have had to prove myself. I started at the very bottom. My name was forgotten. I was forgotten. BUT, I fought my way up. Between working hard in class and taking all of the understudy positions offered to me, I was finally being remembered. Leads are still given to the same people and it will always be like this, but I think I prefer my place. I am full of surprises...for everyone else as well as myself.

Last night I put all of my technique, heart, and acting abilities into two minutes. When I left the stage, for the first time, I received applause for my performance alone. I am a modest person, and a shy person. I love to show people what I do, but I do it for me not for the attention. Hearing that applause that sounded so genuine was incredible and I have never felt more thankful for anything. This is what I was meant to do and I am finally getting the chance to do it.

The biggest reward was hearing reactions to my performances. I was able to move people to tears with just a performance. This is what art is supposed to be. For the first time I really feel like I am a performer. It is powerful to know that I can change how people feel just by dancing. It isn't about the attention or compliments. It is about this energy, and self-discovery. I exposed myself and became completely vulnerable and that is what it takes. Now, I can feel that.

Artists and performers have careers full of ups and downs. It is part of why we love what we do. We climb a little bit and then we sit at that plateau for while before we struggle to be enlightened further. We need the struggle and the climb. So that is the story of my latest self-discovery. I hope everyone gets the chance to discover something hidden inside of them because the feeling is so important for a performer. I have a renewed spirit and energy that is pushing me now. I can feel myself climbing again and I don't want to stop! My home is the stage and I can't wait to be there again...and again...and again...